relief

I am not sure how to really start this blog post. I never really create rough drafts and edit them. (As you can tell from my grammatical errors and nonsensical ramblings.) I wanted this post to be different. As if my words could move you or effect you or tug on your heart strings. I just do not think I am that kind of writer. I do not think I am actually a writer. I am just a mom with a blog like 25 thousand other moms out there. So while I am no Brene Brown with fabulous writing skills (I love reading her stuff), I am going to just go with it anyways.

Sometimes life seems as if it is too much to take. When one difficult hurdle comes in our path it usually is the set up for many other hurdles for us to cross. My friend needs help. She has spent the past year helping, supporting & caring for her ill mother. Her mother lost her battle just last month. I cannot imagine what losing your mother feels like. The woman who gave birth to you, has loved you, laughed with you, cried with you, felt your heartbreak & has felt heartbreak of her own. Holidays, birthdays, life milestones & days you are sick and just need to talk to your mom will never be the same again. The mixed emotions of the grief from losing your mother, but the relief that comes with not watching her be in pain anymore. These probably just touch on the surface of what my friend is going through.

My friend also lived in a different state than her mother. She spent much of the year taking off of work and traveling back and forth between the two states. Now while I do not know what losing a parent feels like, I do know what being broke and not knowing how you are going to pay your bills feels like.

I started a new job in March. With a new job comes the anticipation of sick days and paid time off because you have none of that in the beginning. I was not too worried about it because my son and I are pretty healthy and I never really have to take sick days. Within that month we had the stomach flu, my son had strep throat and then he had a bad reaction to the medication that was supposed to heal his strep throat. I took a lot of time off of work with no pay. I was very blessed and thankful that someone was able to help me out. I want to do the same for my friend.

I know $1,000 sounds like a lot of money, but in this day and age it really isn’t. It is easy to spend $1,000 in two bill payments. Rent can range from $600-$800, another $100 for utilities and that does not even include gas for your vehicle, food, car insurance, phone payment & small necessities of life. What I am getting at is when I was hurting for money and had no way to pay my bills, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Most people live paycheck to paycheck and the slightest thing can throw everything off and you are up shit creek.

While I may not be able to help my friend with the grief of losing her mother, maybe I can at least help her pay rent for one month. If you can please check out the website I made for her. No amount is too small. And it is going to a good cause. And if you do not feel comfortable paying online you can always mail me gift cards, letters of encouragement or anything else you see fit. I mean talking about someone needing a spa treatment day! My friend is a kind, giving, loving, happy soul. She is just going through a difficult journey right now, like we all do at different times in our lives.

www.youcaring.com/dosomethingkind

social dysfunction

Do you ever have moments that have happened in your past that you just will never forget? Of course you do. We all do. Yesterday on my drive home from work I was thinking about moments where I acted like a socially inept weirdo. This thought tornado all started from an incident yesterday at the copy machine in my office. It went a little like this:

Me: Hi (lady I work with)! How are you today?

Lady I Work With: Good! How are you? You look pretty today.

Me: Says nothing and turns around and walks off with my papers. Sits at desk and thinks….”geez that was really rude of me. Why am I so weird?”

Then there was the time way back when I was pregnant. There was a girl in my statistics class, which I totally failed, that was knocked up too. Around the same age as me, we had a slutty girl/unwed mother bond I guess, anyways we were walking to our cars after class one day and just talking about being pregnant. She asked whether I was having a boy or a girl. I said, “Boy. What are you having?”

When she replied that she was having a girl, I tilted my head to the side and said “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Seriously. What the F?? Did I grow up in China or something? I 100% do not believe boys or girls are better than the other sex. I have no idea why I responded this way. If I could travel back in time and change this moment I would. I think about this day all of the time. I am so socially retarded. And I wish I could remember the name of this girl so I could apologize to her today.

One time when I worked at a country club in West Columbia, TX. We did mostly catering/banquet type of work but every once in awhile we had to wait tables in the small dining room they had. I have absolutely no idea why I thought it would be appropriate to tell a table of two guests that the reason it was taking me so long to greet them at the table was because I had diarrhea and had been in the bathroom, but I did. I swear to God. I still think of this moment and the look on their faces and I hate myself.

Under my butterfly tramp stamp I have a scar from a rash I had (I have the weirdest skin ever and get rashes all over my body from poison ivy/jewelry/heat/basically anything) So it looks like my butterfly is taking a dump. Not attractive. One day when TT noticed this I explained all about rashes and how one time all through the night my lower back and butt were itching. I must have been scratching all night because when I woke up my back and upper crack had scratches all over them. Hence the butterfly pooping skin pigmentation. We had just started dating at that point. He should have dumped me then.

The time I started laughing at my grandmother’s funeral because my cousin’s nose was whistling. The one million times I have started talking and then just let my sentence trail off. The nick-name Puge itself is a mash up of my inability to speak.

I keep hoping that this will change with age. It hasn’t . I think it has become worse.

I have never told these stories to anyone before. Not even my wolf-pack. I hope these little nugs of embarrassment make you laugh.

The Walking Dead

Like many people I am obsessed with The Walking Dead! Obsessed! But there are a few things I think about when watching the episodes and would like to get your opinion. And do you have any weird questions or thoughts about The Walking Dead?

First of all I get that tv has to have some sex appeal, but do you really think people will be getting their freak on during a zombie apocalypse. I mean I’m not really in the mood after a long day of work. I can not imagine being in the mood when I am fighting for my life everyday. I also think about what that sex must smell like. I hope I am not getting too personal here, because I never do that, but after being imprisoned in granny panties and pants all day my vagina kind of has the odor of a damp towel. Zombie apocalypse sex must be rank. The aroma of nut cheese and a bikriam yoga room after a long day.

This leads me to my next thought. Hair. In real life those women wouldn’t be looking so sexy disheveled. What about woman ‘stache, eyebrows, arm hair, leg hair, bush, toe hair….I could go on. Women spend hours grooming. If a zombie apocalypse happened in real life and I happened to be a survivor (We all know I wouldn’t last 5 minutes) it wouldn’t take me more than a week to have a baby sasquatch growing on my vagina and a moustache 13 year old boys would be jealous of. How do the women of Walking Dead look so beautiful with blood and guts on them. How is their hair so perfectly styled? Maggie looks better than me on by best day.

I also think about Daryl Dixon a lot! Even while not watching The Walking Dead. My boyfriend and I both have a crush on him. He is just a bad ass. Ice Box says she can’t stand his cut off sleeve shirts, but I say it doesn’t bother me. I would personally rip the sleeve off of his shirts any day. I mean daaaaang Daryl! And I don’t know how he does it but he totally pulls off that poncho he wears when riding his motorcycle. Anyone else, no way. Daryl, fo sho!

There are tons of other things I notice like, why do their vehicles look so nice and shiny and clean (product placement), why do Daryl’s arrow look so nice and new, where do they poop/pee, what do women do when they are on their periods, can animals be zombies too??? I then remind myself that it is just a tv show. That of course the characters are going to look beautiful, studly, heroic….if they all looked like they had hairy vaginas and stinky meat sacks no one would want to watch it. But I am a dedicated zombie fan. Thank you Walking Dead for giving me one more thing to obsess about.

chubby chaser

I have gained some weight. And by “some” I mean too much.

During my, let’s call it a crazy spell,……during my crazy spell, I lost a bunch of weight. Too much weight. I looked like I had an eating disorder and I was crying all of the time. I was a hot skeletal mess. So gaining some weight was necessary. I have now gone over board. Last night I actually wished I was pregnant so I would have a reason to be so chunky in the gut. If you squeezed my stomach fat together you could have sex with it.

The thing is that I like having a big butt, and I finally have some resemblance of boobs. I hate the spare tire and the big thighs. I like the idea of exercising but I just never get around to it. Some call that lazy. I say I just like to relax.

I am trying to take my weight gain as a sign of being happy and healthy. I really look at it as another reason to hate myself. I am dating a younger, stud muffin of a man. He works out and looks amazing with no shirt on. Does my boyfriend want to be laying next to the Pillsbury dough girl? Probably not. He does not say this. He says that I look good, but he probably just wants to squeeze my tummy rolls together and have a go at it.

How can I reach a happy medium? How can I have my big butt and be skinny too? I want to be healthy but I want to looking smoking hot while being healthy. I want to be smoking hot but not work too hard to get that way. Why does skinny have to be hot? Why can’t rotund be hot?

I’m wearing a one piece this summer…who is coming with me?!

Things I have Learned Roman Numeral III

21. After you have sex with someone they will be a part of you forever. They may just be a memory, a regret or a lusty desire to hit that shit again. No matter what they are, they become a part of your story. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.

22. Everyone is different and you can’t change them. Your political ranting or our discussions will never make me into who you are, and that is ok. It is good that we are all different. I just wish we were all tolerant. I promise not to make you into a kombucha loving liberal LGBT supporting hippie if you promise not to make me into a conservative gun loving republican baptist. I can appreciate your views if you can appreciate mine.

23. Everyone picks their nose while driving and wipes it under the seat. If you say otherwise, you are a damn liar.

24. Children and animals will piss and shit on everything you own. This is why we can’t have nice things.

25. Happiness comes from acceptance

26. Never say never. I said I would never become a parent, I would never quit partying, I would never be a boring soccer mom who likes to cook, I would never date someone younger than me….blah, blah, blah! Turns out every time I say never I end up having to eat my words. So I am trying to reverse physcology myself, I will never get to sleep with Ryan Gosling

27. You will never understand your children. Cassius does some of the weirdest shit and I just don’t get it. Cassius never throws away his lunch at school. He stuffs it all back in his lunch bag and I have to clean it out. He has no explanation for this other than that is just what he does. Cassius is insanely picky about his clothing. I am talking about DIVA picky. This causes many battles because I really don’t give a shit what he picks out to wear to bed. Just pick something out for the love of God and let’s get it over with. I have to remind myself that this is just part of who he is and I try to be patient and understanding without having a brain aneurysm.

28. Do not text, write emails, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, call or talk to anyone when you are drunk and it is past 1 a.m. Absolutely nothing good comes from it and even if it did you wouldn’t remember anyways.

29. You need to know how to change a tire and read a map. Technology has made us fucking stupid.

30. Everything changes…all the time…who knows where you will be this time next year

31. I know absolutely nothing about anything. Anytime I think I have it all figured out I realize that I don’t.

Things I have learned Part B

11. High heels were made by the devil. I tried for years to wear high heels at special occasions and I have finally come to the conclusion that I can’t do it. It is torture. I don’t even look good in them because they make me walk funny. I walk like a turd is about to fall out of my butt and I am clenching on to it for dear life.

12. Forgiveness is hard. I am not just talking about forgiving others, because often that comes easier for me than just forgiving myself. I hate on myself so bad and that is a hard habit to break. I hate myself for having a child out of wedlock. I feel like maybe I did him a disservice by being a single mom. I hate myself becaue my face is breaking out so bad. I hate myself because I can’t cook chicken fried steak. I hate myself for being poor. I hate myself for being such a cry baby. I am learning to change that voice inside my head and telling myself to forgive myself for being imperfect.

13. You can’t please everyone. Jesus was perfect and he still had people that hated him. Not everyone is going to like you and once you accept that, you will be happier.

14. Everyone pees in the shower.

15. Love comes on many different levels. I was once told that use the word love too much, but I really do love a lot of people. That doesn’t mean I love everyone on the same level that I love my wolf pack, but I do love them. Maybe I love their laugh, or their writing, or their love of meat sacks….
Maybe I once really loved them and was in love with them but time changed things. Maybe I loved them as a friend, or a lover, or someone I knew/know but do not get to talk to every day. Love comes in many different forms and levels. I think some people just don’t use the word love enough.

And there are some people that I just don’t care for at all. I love a lot of people, but I don’t like everyone.

16. Never ever go on a boat hung-over unless you want everyone to see you throw up off of the front of it.

17. You can never hug your children enough. I know the saying “time flies” is cliche, but it is so very true. Now when I hug Cashi his lanky arms hang there and dangly all loosey goosey and he is usually trying to squirm his way out of it. Just yesterday he was just a little baby always wanting to be in my arms and before I know it I will only see him on holidays and when he needs some money. I am trying to get 1089809879687q868768765765674654 hugs in before that…yes there is a “q” in that number.

18. Some people are just assholes. There is nothing you can do about it. Just do your best to not become an asshole too.

19. You eventually are going to have to take a stand for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you and people are going to treat you how you allow them to treat you.

20. Random acts of kindness is the best thing you can do for yourself. I like to do nice things for people I know and for people I don’t know at all. Yes I like to do these things because it makes other people happy, but it also makes me happy. Makes me remember that there are bigger problems in the world than just mine and if a stupid little trinket in the mail or bringing up the neighbors trash can can make someone else smile then that is what I need to do.

Things I have learned Part 1

In just a short time, I will be turning 31. The next three blog posts will contain things I have learned in my whole entire life.

1. Taking an honest look at oneself and considering that one might be kind of douchey is hard to do, but is very necessary at times. Especially if our goal is to change and become a better person.

2. Alcohol makes you do things you would normally not do. These things can include but do not have to include: texting someone, sleeping with someone, getting pregnant, crying, writing bad poetry, dancing on tables, sticking your tongue out like a weird cow in every photo, making out in bars, etc. etc.

3. Do not try to dance sexy after you have been drinking. You will fall on a table and break your vagina.

4. Laughing can heal anything. A broken heart, a strained friendship, a sad moment…laughter is the best medicine.

5. Coffee. Need I say more?!

6. Actions speak louder than words. A person will show you how they feel about you by how they treat you. I can say that I’m the third cousin of Engelbert Humperdink but that does not mean it is true. A person can say anything, but look at how they act and that will tell you what is really going on.

7. You will make funny noises when you have sex. It is true. Grunting, vagina farts, butthole farts etc. etc. All that bumping and grinding causes weird things to go on. Just laugh about it and keep pumping away.

8. Everyone will give you their advice on how to be a better parent/person/mother/wife/dog owner, so just smile and say “Thank you for the advice.” but always do what you know in your heart to be right.

9. Parenting is hard. It will suck the life out of you (and your breasts if you choose to breast feed) Parenting is not all lovey dovey rainbows and sprinkles. Yes you love your kids more than anything ever, but they can also be annoying little bastards. It is ok to feel like you want to punch your kid in the kidney as long as you don’t actually do it. While parenting is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, I wouldn’t change it. I’m a masochist I guess.

10. Growing up is not what I thought it would be. When I was little I would talk to my stuffed animal that was a Panda Bear. He was creatively named, Panda. I would tell Panda about how when I grow up I was going to be able to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. Travel, make out with boys, be rich…turns out I do none of those things except the making out part. Growing up hasn’t been all bad though. I rather enjoy it, actually